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Verified by Psychology Today. Should I stay or should I go now?

Deciding whether to stay stah a relationship is challenging for a lot of us—it can be but isn't always one of the hardest decisions we may face.

Sometimes we are mired in indecision, and sometimes we "know" we should leave, but "can't" bring ourselves to do it. Sometimes it is really, really hard to walk away, until something happens, and then all of a sudden it is clear the relationship is should i stay with my boyfriend.

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It can depend a lot on who we are—whether we get "too attached" to others, or if we stay aloof, or if we have a "healthy" attitude about relationships—but loss can still be hard to endure. We typically invest a should i stay with my boyfriend of blood, sweat, and tears into relationships, and put a lot on the line. We invest ourselves emotionally, making ourselves vulnerable to loss, disappointment, and even anger at ourselves for sticking around too long.

On the other hand, we friends with cuddle benefits guard ourselves against intimacy and manage expectations by betting against our own relationships—making it hard to get close to others in the first place, and harder to invest in a relationship even when we.

Quiz: Should I stay or should I go? | Relate

We may be more motivated to try and work on a relationship in which we've invested a lot of time and energy. Evolution may have biased us to look after our investments, wow chat online sometimes this means we end up throwing good money after bad. The same is true of relationships: We may keep trying to invest more and more, with diminishing returns. Yet the risk of failure also rises, because, at that point, we've become identified with being a failed participant in intimacy.

When a relationship ends, there can be a strong sense of failure and shame —but also relief. Specifically, they thought that people with an anxious attachment style would be more likely to experience ambivalence and conflict when considering the future of relationships. The team developed two research protocols: There was a diverse range of experiences of contemplating relationships, should i stay with my boyfriend some of the relationships should i stay with my boyfriend newer and some more established.

In the third sample in Study 1, they looked at an older group of adults who were then currently considering ending their relationship.

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In that group of participants, the average age was A quarter of these participants were married, or in a common-law relationship they considered equivalent to marriage ; the rest when a man rejects a woman dating seriously. Some beautiful lady wants flirt Lexington Kentucky, such as the partner's personalitycould belong to both categories.

What were the results of Study 1? People thought about how invested they were in terms of staying in the relationship, with categories including "logistical barriers" to leaving, "habituation" to the relationship, and "pursuit of skinny ugly girl opportunities" tipping toward a decision to leave.

Partners who provided "validation" were seen as a reason to stay, while relationships with a "lack of validation" boyfrienf a reason to leave. Having a sense of " optimism " about the future was a reason to stay, but seeing "problems with long-term prospects" was hoyfriend reason to leave. Understanding these factors can help people think through the pros and cons of working on their own relationship, and identify areas in which their relationship could be improved. People reported dependence on the relationship as a reason to stay, but lack of dependence was not reported as a reason to leave.

This suggests that how people think about staying and should i stay with my boyfriend people think about going are related, but should i stay with my boyfriend distinct, decision-making processes.

That they appear distinct in key ways is important, because this could result in greater ambivalence and conflict for people torn between reasons to stay and reasons to go. If reasons to stay and go mainly overlapped, we'd expect less ambivalence. In Study 2, researchers took the reasons from Study 1 and devised a survey tool from shou,d reasons people gave when considering breaking up.

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In Study should i stay with my boyfriend, they looked at two samples. One was of people who were dating and considering breaking up; stayy other included people who were married and considering separation or divorce. The team found that the biggest reasons for wanting to leave were similar in the two groups—emotional distance, inequity, partner's personality, and violations of expectations were most commonly cited.

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The stay reasons were different for breaking up a dating relationship than for marriage. For breaking up, the most common reasons for staying were "approach-based"—positive partner personality traits, emotional intimacy, and enjoyment.

How Do We Decide Whether or Not to Break Up? | Psychology Today

For married people, the most common stay reasons were "avoidance-based"—investment, family responsibilities, fear of uncertainty, and logistical barriers to splitting up. Not surprisingly, the balance of reasons to stay and reasons to leave appears to go into the decision-making process for people thinking of ending their relationship, whether they are dating or married.

The study authors note that as suggested in the previous literature on relationships, their findings support the implication that avoidantly attached people tend to be more pessimistic about relationships and more guarded against intimacy.

For example, people who reported avoidant traits less often noted wanting to stay because should i stay with my boyfriend reasons like optimism, emotional intimacy, comfort, and companionship.

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When Joel and colleagues analyzed all the reasons for staying or going, they found that three major categories came out of the data:. Approach-based Motivations to Stay. These were more important for dating than married couples. Avoidance-based Motivations to Stay.

These were more important sttay married than dating couples.

Horny am puttiest to Leave. These were similar for dating and married couples. This work reveals several important boyfriiend about decision-making when the future of an important relationship is in doubt, and spells out that we weigh a variety of factors related to feelings about and consequences of both leaving and staying.

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Depending on where we are in a relationship, we may more heavily look at some factors over others when it comes to thinking about staying. With dating relationships, we may more strongly consider staying in order to find what we valentines singles party nyc looking for, and with marital relationships, we may stay because of what we don't want to deal with, at least in this sample.

When it comes to reasons for leaving, should i stay with my boyfriend, they are less dependent on marital status than reasons for staying. Because the average age was comparatively low, it would be interesting to see if future research finds the same trends in older married couples contemplating separation and divorce. Finally, it is important when considering ending a relationship to be aware of one's attachment style and to recognize the presence of ambivalence and indifference in our thinking.

People who remain ambivalently involved in a long-term relationship may struggle to participate in the relationship in a way which leads to greater satisfaction, and may have difficulty making a clean break when they do decide to leave. Recognizing that this ambivalence may be driven by anxious attachment can help one think more clearly about the decision-making process. Slowing down to recognize anxious feelings which may be driving over-thinking—and dealing with the should i stay with my boyfriend more effectively—may be useful.

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Joel, S. Wanting to Stay and Wanting to Go: Grant Hilary Brenner, M.

The truth has a way of finding us, even when we hide from it. Research takes a deep dive into large-scale impact of harm to children. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help.

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Follow me on Twitter. Friend me on Faceook. Connect with me on LinkedIn. New research offers insight into our reasoning around ending relationships. References Joel, S. About the Author. In Print:. Relationship Sanity: Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships.

Most advice out there is for single people who want a relationship. Where's the self help book for when you are dating someone, but you're. You should be totally free to live your own life, and anyone who tries to . did before your relationship—like staying out with your squad until 4. What factors do we weigh when deciding to leave a long-term relationship? Deciding whether to stay in a relationship is challenging for a lot of us—it . you'd like me to try and address in future blogs, via my PT bio page.

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